GALLANT REFLECTS – The WORST films of 2016

I am well aware that we are now well into February of 2017. There was a lot of movies to shift through, I want to provide a top ten list as comprehensive as possible.

 

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I rather like movies. When I find a movie that I think is bad, my skin starts to shift, my eyes roll all around and my knuckles get that little bit rougher. So, with that insight into my own masochism, let’s count down The WORST films of 2016.

 

But first, lets rattle off some honourable mentions, those movies that had some glimpses of goodness shining through the annals of consuming misery.

angry

Stop it Sony, just stop it!

gods

I would like to voice my opinion on why Gods Of Egypt is laughably bad, but then everyone will call me a diseased vulture. Sad times.

ben

This film is as interesting and engaging as the discography of Rihanna. (Oof, burn.)

bad

There is always one. Every year. One Christmas movie has to get to me. I know one person who genuinely liked this movie, when I found out about this person’s enthusiasm towards this movie, I was glad. I was glad that this dimwitted and abrasive person doesn’t disturb me when I watch better movies.

rock

This film’s title clearly takes inspiration from the song by The Clash. Yet the song makes no appearance in the film. Also, the song is entitled “Rock The Casbah.” The film can’t even spell the title right. Imagine how bad the rest of the movie must be.

 

Very very bad, but not bad enough to make the list.

 

 

 

10

Nine Lives

PG, Dir Barry Sonnenfeld.

nine

Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. All work and no play makes Connor a dull boy. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. Kevin Spacey is a cat. NEXT!

 

9

Ghostbusters

12-A, Dir Paul Feig

ghostbusters

Wah-wah, sexism in the film industry! Wah-wah, dislike of a terrible trailer must mean gender warfare! Wah-wah, I believe in equality, so that makes me better than you!

The things I dislike about Ghostbusters, are the things that I dislike with all of Paul Feig’s filmography: Overly long, visually uninteresting, painfully unfunny and dreadfully edited. Could you imagine if someone like Edgar Wright got his hands on Ghostbusters? Just replace the three boring actresses and the one who was actually trying(Figure that one out yourselves folks.) And put in Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and two other people who you might find in a Edgar Wright movie, Paddy Considine and Taron Egerton? There you go, I have saved Hollywood. Speaking of Paddy Considine…

 

8

The Girl With All The Gifts

15, Dir Colm McCarthy

girl

To be honest, I don’t think that Paddy Considine remembers this movie. Zombies haven’t had a good year, seeming as if they will be the millenials’ version of the Western. The Girl With All The Gifts feels more dated than a Western movie starring Slim Pickens. One of the things that did surprise me with the film was just how badly it was put together; the cinematography slams between steady tripod shots and hyper handheld 48fps staggering around. I’m sure at one point a character refers to Gemma Arterton’s character(who plays someone by the name of Justineau) as Gemma. To add insult to injury, this film has one of the worst missed opportunities of a good ending that I have ever seen; instead of ending on a strong melancholy note that not only effects London but the entire human race, the film ends on a half happy, half sadistic conclusion that can’t last a few days.(That’s as far as I can go without spoiling this movie that you shouldn’t watch.)

 

7

Batman Vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice

12-A, Dir Zack Snyder

batman

Let me address the elephant in the room. With regards to the performances and the technical elements, Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice is better than Suicide Squad. However, Suicide Squad passed me by, two hours of images moving on screen and the occasional decent song. Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice physically angered me. Zack Snyder continues to prove that he is one of today’s worst storytellers, cannibalising himself more than Michael Bay does with himself, Zach Snyder can’t create a story unless it is over three hours, in low contrast and features more idiotic plot-points than a Michael Caine movie about an invasion of bees.

 

6

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

12-A, Dir Edward Zwick

jack

Sadly, neither Michael Caine, nor bees can save Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, a title so cheesy that you would think that it was from some ongoing series of budget bin novels. I really enjoyed the first Jack Reacher film, ho hum. It is quite astonishing just how uninteresting this movie is, this film is shot without any form of pace or urgency.

Why did Richard Wenk handle the script? For those of you who don’t know, Richard Wenk is a long time screenwriting collaborator with Antoine Fuqua, the two of them have a great grasp on creating films which adhere to cliche. This is not necessarily a bad thing, one of his screenplays has actually made it onto my best of 2016 list(Just be patient, it will come.) However, should a person known for making cheesy, straight-forward flicks write a script for a twisting mystery?

Oh, and the term “Never Go Back” holds nothing in the film. Jack Reacher indeed goes back, in multiple senses of the word.

 

5

Bad Moms

15, Dir Jon Lucas & Scott Moore

bad-moms

Mila Kunis is a terrible actress, I honestly don’t understand why she has a career past voice over work on a dying animated show. What this film is trying to be, is a raunchy, R-rated comedy that’ll get constantly repeated on ITV 2. However, there is one fatal error with the casting; they made a movie with six James Francos. I have no problem with James Franco, I like him as much as the next casual observer does. The issue with James Franco is that he is in a lot of comedies, but I would not consider him a comedic actor. One of the biggest problems with Bad Moms is that you have a comedy movie with a large cast and no comedic actresses, so every joke falls flat. Every single one.

STORYTIME! In the early twentieth century, Victor Lustig undertook scams and heists in various countries, quickly being known as: “The man who sold the Eiffel Tower twice.” One of Lustig’s lesser known scams was a money printing machine. On the ferries from Calais to New York, Lustig would reach out to a passenger that he had a money printing machine that could print a $100 bill over six hours. If you can’t see the metaphor here, you’re not trying hard enough.

Put simply, Bad Moms is bad.

 

4

Top Cat Begins

U, Dir Andrés Couturier

top

So, this movie exists… *Mad World starts playing as the rain starts to fall.*

Did you know that Top Cat is absolutely ginormous in Mexico? Seriously, new episodes of Top Cat are still being made to this day and this isn’t even Mexico’s first Top Cat movie. Back in 2012, we had Top Cat The Movie in 3D, a Flash animated feature film starring Rob Schneider.

Just try and comprehend how bad this movie is, when a Rob Schneider Flash animation is better.

This is, by far, some of the worst animation I have ever seen. Every scene is too dark and poorly lit. The film is ugly to look at, causing a tear to fall from the four children who have seen this. Oddly enough, the sound is by far the worst aspect of this film; dialogue would be drowned out by the lifeless city that surrounds them then the scenes with pop music(Because of course this movie has to have pop music) is deafeningly loud.

Let me show you how bad this the story of Top Cat Begins is:

top-cat-begins-plot

One sentence, that’s it.

Now, lets compare that to a small film, with limited locations and only four characters.

leon-plot

(Sidenote, go watch Leon.)

 

3

Grimsby

15, Dir Louis Leterrier

grimsby

Why? Just why?

So, Cohen and Strong are in an African desert with faceless henchmen running after them and then they come across a group of elephants and then *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* and then another elephant *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* with Cohen and Strong inside until *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored*  *censored* *censored* which covers both Cohen and Strong in buckets of *censored* *censored* you think that it’s over, it ain’t, Cohen then sticks his head out of the elephant’s *censored* to witness an approaching elephant *censored*  and *censored*, to which end, the elephant *censored* the first elephant and Cohen, so the elephant is *censored*  the first elephant and *censored* Cohen at the same time. Yes, it’s a golden ratio of *censored* *censored*

Oh, and there are multiple scenes that rip off Hardcore Henry…

 

2

Hardcore Henry

18, Dir Ilya Naishuller

hardcore

… And I despise Hardcore Henry even more.

Do you like fish eye lenses? I used to, back when a fish eye lens was only used for scenes of discomfort or sparing moments of tension. I fully understand that the people who made Hardcore Henry had no choice but to shoot on fish-eye lenses because they had no choice but to shoot the film using GoPros because the cameras were strapped to the stuntmen’s faces, I understand that. But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t sacrifice necessary elements of film-making to create a muddled, un-cohesive and utterly bone-headed effort at entertaining the lowest low of the cinema going public.

Now, I am not the type of person who hates this film for the style of which the story is told, I am the type of person who hates this film for the loathsome, repugnant splodge that it is. Hardcore Henry is like that liquid left at the bottom of a Pot Noodle – You don’t want it, but you don’t know how to properly dispose of it.

A lot of people have said something along the lines of: “This movie feels just like a video game.” This is often said by people who haven’t played a video game since yesteryear and when Sonic was decent. If Hardcore Henry was a video game, then it would be so consolingly boring, that IGN would rate it less than 7/10.

 

We’ve reached it, the tip top of terrible. The reclusive Rambo of repugnance. The delectable Django of detest.

 

1

Lazer Team

12-A, Dir Matt Hullum

lazer

I can’t wait for all of the enraged Rooster Teeth fanboys to immediately report this blog, just for having a different opinion. To these people I say: I paid £17 to see this movie, a normal ticket costs around £8 for me, I should count this as the top two.

This film is mythical – not in story or tone – but in construct and production. I have never hated a film as much as I utterly despise Lazer Team.

Lazer Team comes to us from the multi-monopoly magnate Rooster Teeth, a YouTube creator with more than 10,000,000 subscribers over all their projects. In development for six years, bear in mind that this is a film that has a micro budget and no name actors, Lazer Team was wholly funded by an Indiegogo campaign. Yes, the massively sucessful magnate turns to their overly generous fans for money.

Set in the easiest places to film in Texas; a vague military base, a high school and a barron forest, we start Lazer Team with the most unlikable characters that obviously take way too much from the people portraying them and are expected to gain an emotional bond by the end, which can’t come soon enough.

Direction hits this movie like absinthe to a carton of apple juice. Shots don’t stay around for long and they don’t say much. The cinematographer makes sure to pan half of all shots and shake the camera whenever someone or something moves in a shot, we can’t have people looking at characters, just glossy beam-lit sparse locations and over bearing shaky cam. I can’t fully stress out how bad the shaky cam in Lazer Team is. People become enraged by unledgible camera work and the piercing cutting of Taken 3 – In comparison to Lazer Team, Taken 3 is Birdman.

Out of the 146,880 frames that you are subjected to, or as we would say in Queen’s English TOO LONG, there is one thing that might, just might bring a smile to your face: The scene features the Lazer Team on a football field fighting with an alien, both have shields of which they can shoot back beams of energy. There is one shot from above the football field where the Lazer Team and the alien bounce a beam of energy back and forth, complete with Pong sound effects. That is the only thing of interest in the film – It comes at the back end of the climactic battle. It’s not even a good joke.

Oh, and the utterly enraging and fan-base of pre-adolescent Rooster Teeth fans who bolster their own personal opinions to the part of their brain that throws tantrums whenever the slightest slip of criticism is given, does happen to lift this towering achievement of expletives a little bit higher. The fanbase of Lazer Team might just be the worst that I have ever come across, I have seen people mass-dislike a person’s review because they didn’t give the film a high enough rating; seriously, people were enraged because this movie reviewer with a few dozen subscribers(who I won’t name because someone who reads this will end up stalking him down) because they said, this being a direct quote: “It is definitely a really, really funny movie but, like, I wouldn’t exactly call it a great movie. For that reason, I’m going to give Lazer Team 3.5 stars.” Yes, the Lazer Team’s easily triggered fan-base was enraged with this person giving a movie a positive review. This is why I shy away from liking films with a large following and films in a large cinematic universe – because I’m afraid of ending up wrongly maligning with people who confuse concrete fact with personal opinion.

 

If you do have an infatuation with a cinematic fandom, then this demonstration is for you!

Stabbing someone. Wrong, as a statement of fact.

Making a cup of tea by putting the milk in first. Wrong, as a statement of opinion.

 

If you liked any of these films, good for you, I’m glad you liked them. A differing opinion does not mean that you or your values are being attacked, so stop attacking innocent people.

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